Something to look forward to.

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For some reason this picture wouldn’t post in the comments field. So I’m putting it here so someone can check it out.

I want to see this with you one day

Food for the left behind

No this is not a post about what the unsave will eat once Jesus has taken all the evangelical christians home.

It’s about a small coping mechanism that I have found to cope with my DH monthly trip away.
You might imagine cheesecake, cookies, cake. NAH. Not for me.
I eat something that has revolted him in the past. Hell it revolts me. Main reason I don’t eat it very much. Here’s what I’ve got.
The kids enjoy one take out meal while there Dad is gone. Usually pizza. I order some wing sauce to go with it. The next morning. Usually Sunday. I make a pot of my favorite coffee. I scramble some eggs. I smother the eggs in the wing sauce. I then crush one or two garlic buds on top. It’s sweet, spicy, tangy and disgusting. Wash that down with some coffee and I’m so happy. It’s been making the past few months okay. something to look forward to. It’s silly but it’s helping fill the void. There will be a day when he won’t leave once a month. I wonder what that will be like. I don’t mind giving up this nasty-yummy meal to know. Someday we will see.

The beginning, The end

In the beginning it was your time. To grow. To learn to love and trust. To learn that giving didn’t have to hurt. To become aware of your potential and that the love you had always wanted had finally arrived for the taking with a measure of compassion and love.

It was tough. It was a struggle that took years. Today you are the ideal husband and father. Friend and lover. The future we long to have together. The morning we took our vows is here. It is now.

And now it is my turn. To grow into the mother my children need. Wife, Lover, Friend, Woman that you need me to be. The person that this family needs me to be. So much of what I am is holding us back. And I see it. Like a navigator on a ship plotting a course for her captain. I can see the lay of the land, the terrain that we must overcome. If I remain what I am we will fail or at the very least struggle immeasurably. So I’m working everyday to be better. For you, for us. Some day I hope to be at that place in the distance where we are headed. That shining place we dream of. I still believe I can take us there. I know that I can because of your strength and belief in me. I don’t want to let you down. I love you

Selfish

I wouldn’t keep from having my children despite all the horrors and despair they face in life. Holding them, watching them sleep and grow and discover the world. Is a gift that is so very sacred. So many do not get this. So I will homeschool my chidren and try to prepare them for a world that will force them to grow up to early. I will savor the stillness amidst the hurricane that is their presence in my life. I will take breaks and pray for their paths in life. I will pray also for my sanity and my ability to keep up. I will pray for their good decisions and my strength to handle the consequences that fall at our door. I will never stop loving them

Friend

I’m considering sitting a friend down and telling her why I gave her the brush off. I think I might chicken out. I think I need to get it done though. We were close once and I would want to know if it was the other way around.
It’s a lot to think about

My life

Is wonderful and amazing. It is beyond what I could have ever imagined. I have a freedom and a joy that is unsurpassed with anything that I have experienced so far in my exsitance. However, sometimes it feels like a prison. A self made prison. Create by my own inabilities.

That look

I want him to look at me the way he used to. Like I was about to disappear and he wanted to make a visual image so he could always remember. The look that he was drinking up every freckle and curve like a man who has gone without water.
I have no doubt of his love for me. Just every now and again I wish he could look at me like that way.
Of course I know keeping the house clean would bring back that adoration. But then that would mean I’d have to stop being a SLACKER. pfft. Oh well Must try harder.

Tired

I’m tired. Not the physical or emotional type of tired. More of the spiritual type. Like a flames last ebbing of light before it quietly goes out. No sputtering, or dancing. Just a slow dimming.

Part II

I love my hedonistic Husband
I love my loud boisterous kids
I love my to small junky apartment
I love my to old truck
I love my walks with my kids and husband
I love my noise tweet
I love my stinky fish
I love my tumultuous family
I love nursing my babies
I love the weather in my city
I love my life

I hate how my thighs chafe when I walk
I hate my wall eyed boobs
I hate my teeth and taking care of them
I hate my hair
I hate my complexion
I hate how everyone puts up with me
I hate how I treat my kids and husband
I hate the way I look in red
I hate not being able to give my kids & husband what they deserve and need
I hate friends who brag about their lives when we are struggling
I hate not being the friend they need
I hate talking about myself in this blog!